How to develop self-awareness?

Studies show that most people lack self-awareness. But we can change this and become truly self-aware.

One recommendation from Tasha Eurich is to ask “what” instead of “why.” If you have faced a setback, ask what you can do to remedy the situation. When faced with adversity, instead of asking, “Why me?” which leads to a vicious cycle of self-loathing ruminations, ask, “What is most important to me right now?”. Instead of asking why some people hate you, ask what you have done to make the lives of some people better. Asking why takes us backward. Asking what moves us forward in self-awareness.

Another suggestion from Eurich is to ask what creates the patterns of choices, behaviors, and outcomes in your life. For example, if you repeatedly feel disconnected from work, check for situations that make you feel this way and for cases when you feel the most energetic and engaged with your work. This can lead to clues regarding what changes you need to make. Maybe it is time for you to move on and find another place that gives you maximum opportunities to be at your best.

Another is to seek feedback from others. But here, we need to be careful about from whom we are seeking feedback, Eurich cautions. Herminia Ibarra, author of Act Like a Leader, Think Like a Leader, says that our family members and other close ones are more likely to discourage us from making any drastic changes, although they mean well for us. This is where the advice from organizational psychologist Adam Grant comes in. He suggests that disagreeable people since they are not motivated by a need to appease you, are great sources of feedback.

A useful technique for seeking feedback is recommended by the renowned Executive Coach Marshall Goldsmith. He suggests the “feed-forward” technique, in which you don’t seek any feedback. Instead, you simply ask someone knowledgeable about what you can do to enhance your performance in any particular area of interest. For example, instead of asking for feedback on the presentation you just made, ask them to suggest a few areas where you can make improvements. The more specific the area or activity, the better the advice that you will get.

Self-compassion is another route to self-awareness. Instead of indulging in a spiralling cycle of self-loathing after a mistake or setback, we should embrace self-acceptance and self-compassion. Self-compassion is treating yourself in the same manner as you would treat a child. It comes from forgiveness and acceptance of yourself as you are, with kindness, love, and affection. It does not mean we forget our errors; rather, we learn from them and move on.

Self-awareness increases our ability to connect deeper with others. There are more powerful ways to develop self-awareness, which we will turn to next.